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Knowledge is power
Photo by Amy
Mortensen
Courageous
Parenting 101®
“The lesson that could save your child’s life”
By
Nicole Rivard
December 17, 2009
This time of the year is particularly hard for Ginger Katz
of Norwalk.
Her son Ian, who died of an accidental drug overdose on Sept. 10, 1996,
would have celebrated his 34th birthday on Dec. 31. It's also difficult not
having him around at Christmas, a holiday he loved so much.
But her daughter Candice, 40, brings light into the Katz home around the
holidays, and Ginger gets some comfort in hearing from parents about how
enrolling in Courageous Parenting 101® - one of several initiatives she has
spearheaded through her non-profit Courage to Speak Foundation - really made
a difference in their lives and the lives of their children.
"I don't want to see this happen to another family," said Katz
about why she teamed up with a group of drug prevention experts to create
Courageous Parenting 101® in 2008. The next five-session program, which is
free of charge, begins Jan. 5 at Roton Middle School in Norwalk.
"There isn't a word in the dictionary to describe what it was like to
lose a child" and to know that possibly you might have turned around
another child - to help he or she make a right turn instead of going the wrong
way-yes that's satisfying. But it's still very difficult.
"The holidays are really, really tough."
One of the families forever grateful to Katz is the Calcagnini family of
Darien.
While Katz said she didn't have the tools to keep Ian safe, she provided
the Calcagnini's with the right ones to keep their daughter Addie, 16, out of
harm's way.
Suspecting that Addie was experimenting with marijuana, the Calcagnini's
enrolled in last year's Courageous Parenting 101®.
"If not for Ginger's program, we very likely would not have caught
her when we did and we also would not have been prepared with a necessary
course of action," James Calcagnini said.
Addie had been smoking for almost six months--almost every day for the
last three of those months. James said he and his wife caught her the first
time from reading text messages, and then from a surprise drug test that they
made Addie take in their bathroom.
"We found out afterward that she had passed other tests with someone
else's urine. We grounded her, got her counseling and we were prepared to
send her to away for rehab. Very fortunately after two or three weeks off
marijuana she realized it had been controlling her life. She did not like
that, so she quit for good," he said.
He went on to say that being exposed to Courageous Parenting 101® several
years sooner would've made a big difference for his family. While he and his
wife always felt they communicated well with Addie and her younger brother
about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, they had no idea of the scope and
magnitude of the problem and how quickly it can get serious.
"Addie got involved because of the crowd she was hanging around with
and never worried about, nor was aware of how dangerous it was until after
she stopped," Calcagnini said.
"It is amazing though how much more powerful marijuana is these days.
They can lace it with other things. These kids are under an illusion that
it's not dangerous because it's in Darien. But it doesn't necessarily come
from Darien," he said.
Calcagnini believes that marijuana use is "a pretty rampant
problem" in the area.
"To have a tool like Courageous Parenting 101® - to listen to someone
who really knows it from a first-hand point of view and the worst of the
worse scenarios - it's just incredibly beneficial," he said.
The things he found most helpful about the program were how it taught
parents to open the dialogue about drug use and to recognize the important
warning signs when someone is using drugs.
"When Addie was going through this phase she could lie and tell you
it's raining outside when there's not a cloud in the sky and say it with
absolute conviction. Kids have the ability to do that. And you can't imagine
the lengths that they will go through when they are in that phase, to sort of
hide things," Calcagnini said.
He pointed out that Addie denied using marijuana until after she was
caught red handed, and probably never would have admitted it.
"We believe Addie is headed in the right direction now, but from what
we learned from Ginger's program and the experiences she has shared with us,
we won't take anything for granted and will remain vigilant," he said.
"Up until this scenario my daughter would say, 'I would never do
that, what do you think I am stupid?' and then the next thing you know she is
trying it and the next thing you know she is doing it more actively."
Addie now speaks out against drug use at Darien High School. She bravely
shares how she felt almost addicted to marijuana.
"We're proud of her that she's been able to put this behind
her," Calcagnini said.
Like Addie found her courage to speak about the dangers of drugs, Katz
hopes to inspire others to do the same at the upcoming programs that begin in
January before it's too late. The Courageous Parenting 101® program has
expanded and is now being offered in seven other locations in Connecticut.
In the program, trained drug prevention facilitators will cover drug and
alcohol abuse, addiction and its consequences, abuse and misuse of
medication, the teen party culture, protective, psychological and developmental
guidance to help reduce the risk of substance use, dangers of enabling and
hands off parenting, communication strategies, how to help handle stress,
warning signs and more.
The first session on Jan. 5 in Norwalk will begin with a presentation by
Katz, combining her personal story of a family shattered by drugs with the
latest information and statistics on substance abuse and prevention.
Parent discussion groups provide an opportunity for participants to
discuss and reflect on what they've learned on a deeper, more personal level.
Participants are provided with a "Group Discussion" sheet to guide
that session's group discussion time. Discussion groups can consist of six to
10 participants and are formed according to the age or grade of the participant's
child. This ensures the information discussed will be relevant and applicable
to all group members. Facilitators are available to answer questions and walk
around unobtrusively; listening to discussions and observing group dynamics,
to ensure groups are functioning properly.
Calcagnini said the way the sessions are structured is particularly
helpful. "When you break into groups you can talk to other parents who
are going through the same things and share stories. You can learn from other
people's experiences as well. The concept is phenomenal," he said.
In addition to Courageous Parenting 101®, Katz's Courage to Speak
Foundation, which she began with her husband Larry, also offers drug
prevention curriculum in schools for elementary, middle and high school
students. Katz also travels nationally sharing Ian's losing battle with
drugs.
It was from those presentations that she was inspired to create Courageous
Parenting 101®.
"Parents would just sit after Larry and I presented and they would
have so many questions. We would answer them, and it would be all over, and
they would still be sitting there. They were sorting a lot of things
out". I knew that they were thinking, 'Maybe that paraphernalia my son
had was not his friend's. They were beginning to break down the denial. I
knew parents needed a program like this."
Kathy Spellman couldn't agree more. She had considered herself
knowledgeable about drug use and additions, but the program even opened her
eyes to the current party culture and stresses kids are facing every day.
"I did not know that the marijuana that is available today is
literally 10 times stronger because it's genetically enhanced than when I was
in high school. And how children even as young as middle school are sneaking
alcohol into their friend's houses or they are going into medicine
cabinets," said Spellman, who has three teenagers.
"Every time I would come home from class my kids would be like, 'Mom,
why are you asking us all these questions?' And I said, 'because I want to
know.'
"It taught me questions to ask. I mean I considered that I had a
pretty open dialogue with my kids and yet there were things that I was not
aware of. I am lucky that my kids do not use, but you are a day away from
that. I found out that, yes, they are offered drugs all the time by
friends."
Spellman said that in addition to shedding light on the current drug
culture and the right questions to ask her kids, Courageous Parenting 101®
also made her focus on what her kids are really going through on a day to day
basis.
"As parents our lives are so crazy and busy especially in these
economic times, we are just trying to hold it together. Sometimes we don't
really sit down and listen. We talk at them. And you really need to listen to
what's being said," she said. "You need to pop in their room and
chat with them at night sometimes. You can't blow them off because you're
tired. You have to listen. "
"Addiction is about pushing down pain". You have to get to the
root of the problem. If your kid is being bullied in school or they don't
have the nicest clothes or girls are making fun of them, whatever is hurting
them will cause them to be vulnerable."
Another valuable part of the program that sticks out in Spellman's mind
was talking about refusal skills, which she later practiced with her kids.
"They don't want to be the nerd or the geek that says, 'No I don't
want to because my mom doesn't want me to' if they are offered pot. They
actually gave us sentences our kids could use to say no to a drug in a way
they wouldn't feel embarrassed about," she said.
Her advice to parents who are considering going to Courageous Parenting
101® on Jan. 5:
"I would say you have nothing to lose and everything to gain,"
she said, pointing out because the program is free it was even more appealing
to her.
"As a parent, should you spend these two hours a week working with
other parents and learning what your kids are really doing and what they are
really going through in school, what their pressures are? Absolutely,"
Spellman said.
Calcagnini added, "If you are debating, then go. If you think it
might be helpful, guess what?"¦It will be very helpful."
The course continues every consecutive Tuesday thereafter, Jan. 12, 19 and
26 and Feb. 2 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.
To sign up for the free five
session substance abuse education and prevention course for parents, call
203-831-9700 or visit www.couragetospeak.org
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